Saturday Morning Chaos

It's been an interesting Saturday morning around the Howard house so let me fill you in on the players in this little adventure before I begin.    Player number one is Red Dog.  His actions today are more like the little brother who wants to do what big brother does instead of behaving like he was taught.  Player number two is Maddie.  She belongs to my Lubbock kids.  Player number three is the new indoor kitten (whoopee) which I call "Stupid" because I can't remember what Debbie named her.  Now let me take a minute to give some background on Maddie and Stupid before I begin. 




Maddie was a One hundred and forty pound obese indoor Ridge Back until a few months ago when the vet put her on a diet and she is now down to 75 pounds.  I'm thinking I need to go see this vet for my weight loss with those kind of results.  She is a tad bit spoiled and rules the roost at her house.  She lies around on the couch and sleeps in the bed with my daughter since her husband works the night shift for the police department.  We have a totally different set of house rules for poor ole Red Dog which include no sleeping in the beds or lying on the furniture when we are around.  One night Maddie started this constant low grumbling growl at the sliding glass door of my daughter's apartment which alerts her that someone might be messing around the back porch.  So my daughter grabs her home protection 12 gauge shot gun and cautiously moves toward the sliding glass door.  Maddie's growl gets louder and more aggressive as my daughter throws back the curtain to the door and brings her shot gun to full draw.  By now Maddie is barking her head off ready to eat the face off of anyone or anythings that is outside the door.  Things were pretty intense at this point.  When the curtain flies open there stands some drunk college kid from the apartment complex in his birthday suit trying to be cute when he gets to see a 12 gauge shot gun pointed at his face and big red dog ready to eat him alive.  I think the drunken humor quickly left this stupid college student and he instantly ran into the darkness screaming like a little girl.  Unfortunately he had no britches to wet but I think the sight of his shiny hiney disappearing into the darkness was pay back enough for my daughter.  Needless to say I am a big fan of Ms. Maddie for protecting my daughter so I am more than happy to put up with some of her habits.


The next player in this little Saturday morning adventure is "Stupid" which is a kitten that was brought to our house by our Wichita Falls daughter.  She apparently found Stupid in a tree outside her house with the sniffles about a month ago.  For whatever reason she thought the kitten might die up there after an evening thunder storm.  Well to make a long story short she brought the cat to our house for Debbie to nurse it back to health.  I asked her how many cat carcasses she has seen stuck in the trees around her neighborhood and she just rolled her eyes then said none.  I was reassured that this kitten once sniffle free would be sent to a new home.  Well it's one month later and the sniffles are gone and Stupid is freely roaming the house climbing on E V E R Y T H I N G like kittens do.  I know it's supposed to be cute and all but cute went out the door for me about a thousand cats ago (I am obviously estimating the number of my wife's cats on the low side).  Stupid climbs on the furniture purring her little head off waiting for the chance to curl up with Debbie and snuggle.  They both think it is Wonderfulllll and I'm left wondering when it's my turn to snuggle with her (her being Debbie and not the cat).  Maybe my snuggling chances would improve if I wore some fuzzy PJ's and started purring instead of wandering around the house in my boxers tooting (note to self buy fuzzy PJ's and stop tooting).  Since both of our girls got married Debbie has been "OBSESSING" about grand kids but my math skills tell me that kittens are less expensive and I can laugh when Red Dog chases them.  So to stay out of trouble with the wife, I guess Stupid can stay.  Besides everyone in town knows it's much easier to adopt a child from Russia than a kitten from the Debbie Howard Cat Adoption Agency.  Now the cat population has risen to a gazillion and one around here.  Whoopee!!!  I mean that sarcastically.


The final player of this story is Red Dog who needs no introduction and is surprisingly not the ring leader of today's adventure.  He just came along for the annoying ride.


This story starts around six o'clock on Saturday morning with my Lubbock kids sticking their heads in the bedroom to tell me good by as they head off to Dallas for a weekend of Texas Rangers baseball and shopping.  They drove in the day before to shorten their drive and drop off Maddie for me to dog sit for the weekend.  They figured a seventy five pound dog stuck in a second story apartment doesn't do well by herself especially when it's potty time.  I'm still in bed and Debbie is gone for the weekend to her thirty year high school reunion in Darrouzett, Texas in the north panhandle. (By the way you can read a good little story about this little Texas town on her blog over at Texas Tumbleweed Travels).  I fall back asleep trying to catch up on my rest after a long week at work.  Around seven o'clock I am suddenly awakened by Ms. Maddie because she thinks the best spot to place her cold wet nose is in the palm of my left hand as it hangs off the side of the bed.  "YUCK"!  Now I am wide awake.  Some people wake up in the mornings to a soft rock radio station playing by the bedside while others wake up to their 3 year old staring at them nose to nose whispering "Daddy, Daddy, wake up" in their ear.  But that's not the case here at Debbie's Mini Zoo (DMZ).  You get the blessing of hearing cats and dogs whining at the door wanting outside for their morning constitutional or Oscar the Cockatiel squawking his head off because dawn is breaking and he doesn't want you to miss it.  But now I get to add a freezing cold wet nose to the hand to alert me to the dawning of a new day.  (Oh boy, what a blessing!)  I guess I should be thankful it wasn't the cold nose right up the kiester like many dogs like to do.  So I pet Maddie on the head and try to slip back off to sleep.  The key word in this statement was "Try".  Apparently Red Dog saw how much fun it was so here comes cold nose number two.  Great, what a thrill!  I am awake again.  Since I didn't yell at Maddie I petted Red Dog on the head as well.  Thinking that everyone has got some morning loving I could go back to sleep but I was wrong.  Petting those two goobers just created a shark like petting frenzy.  Red Dog and Maddie were both pushing each other jockeying for the best petting position.  There was more pushing going on than an NBA basketball game and neither dog could get enough of it.  They were acting like a couple of junkie's, each working hard to get their next petting fix.  Finally I had to yell at both of them to "Knock It Off".  By this time I was fully awake with no hope of getting back to sleep so I got up and headed to the bathroom to get ready for the day.  As many of you older folks know you never pass up the chance to sit on the porcelain recliner first thing in the morning.  While I was there here came Maddie to see if she could help.  I shooed her away but as soon as she left here came Red Dog thinking he might be missing out on something important so I shooed him away as well.  Out of no where Stupid shows up thinking she could be far more helpful than the other two yahoo's.  I can't get her shooed away because she is a cat and cats are stupid.  Hence naming her the same.  Since Stupid is still in the room it was obvious to Red Dog and Maddie that I needed more company so they come trotting back.  After hissing and shooing at them for a while the dogs finally left the room but Stupid kept hanging out just in case she was needed.  I guess the Ridge Backs couldn't stand the thought that someone else might be vying for my attention so here they come back for round three.  "OH MY GOODNESS".  It was like a Forth of July parade in my bathroom at this point.  All that was missing was a sheriff's posse, marching band, and grand marshal waving from a shiny convertible.  "THIS IS INSANE".  I am thankful that  none of these animals could operate a telephone or they might have called the whole neighborhood to invite them for a block party in my bathroom.  At this point I start yelling and yelling and hissing and yelling some more.  They all just stood there staring at me wagging their tails and purring.  I guess that seeing a fifty two year old gray headed fat guy sitting on the toilet in his birthday suit doesn't look very intimidating to these guys.  I finally gave up on the yelling and finished my morning chores.  Once I got back on my feet I popped the dogs on the rear end and stomped my feet at the cat to chase them out of the room.  Now that was more like it.  I stood there with my hands on my hips and my chest sticking out thinking I have restored my authority over the animal kingdom.  The words truth, justice, and the American way were echoing in my brain and all I needed now was red cape and a "S" on my chest to make the moment complete.  But then I realize I was standing there in my birthday suit and the air rushed out of my ego immediately.  I was too scared to look at the mirror and see how ridiculous I must look.


Now for a quick disclaimer:  For those who now have an image of me striking a Superman pose in my birthday suite stuck in their brain please feel free to shove a number two pencil in your ear to rid yourself of this horrible image.  I will gladly reimburse anyone for the cost of the pencil if you send me a receipt.  Now back to the story.


Now that the first order of my morning business is over it's time to hit the shower.  while showering I looked down to see Stupid was back curiously pawing at the water dripping off the bottom of the shower curtain.  What was wrong with this cat that she couldn't leave me alone while I get ready for the day.  I quickly threw open the shower and aimed the shower head directly at her hoping it would chase her out of the room.  Well this plan failed because she was too fast and out of reach of the spraying water to get my point across.  But I did manage to make the bathroom look like a car that went through a car wash with its windows down.  After finishing my shower and mopping the floor I found Stupid standing on the toilet staring into the bowl in a hypnotic trance.  I thought with a little help she could have a whirlpool experience of a lifetime and scare her out of the bathroom forever.  So I flushed the toilet and prepared to watch the outcome of her very first swirly.  She sat there watching the water swirl around and around with her head moving with the motion of the water.  As the water level dropped lower and lower she leaned closer and closer to the center of the bowl trying to touch the water with her paw.  Just as I was about to give her a little nudge toward the swirling vortex in runs Dumb and Dumber and Stupid jumps off the seat and missed out on her first water park experience.  Apparently Red Dog and Maddie thought they were missing out on something special so they crowded their way toward the toilet to see the magical swirling water for themselves.  Great!  Now I have created a mini water park for animals and these guys are going to stay in the bathroom the rest of the day waiting for the next performance of the magical water.  I finally gave up on the rest of the morning by getting dressed and left for the emergency department in hopes of finding something less stressful to deal with other than a house full of cold nosing water watching peeping Toms.  What a morning!


I guess the take home message for today is if I have a house full of critters and I want some Saturday morning peace and quiet, lock and barricade the doors then post security guards outside.  I think I am old enough to take care of my morning chores without any help from these guys.  I could easily see this plan working with future grand kids so maybe today's adventure preparing for a house full curtain climber and not so much about a bunch of four legged tail wagging bathroom assistants.  Either way I've decided I don't want to be a victim of any future bathroom parades so I will be arming myself with a water spray bottle the next time I have a house full of animals or children.  May be I won't look so pathetic sitting there next time.  Until the next adventure.  God bless you all.





          

Look Who's Getting Trained

Red Dog is patiently waiting to see if he has trained me to open the back door correctly.

I have noticed that Red Dog is getting more and more accustomed to his indoor lifestyle.  I can't really blame him for liking central air and heat, I am rather fond of it myself.  But I never imagined that Red Dog, the lion hunter, would adapt so quickly.  This is a dog who was bred to chase down the king of the jungle and who spent the first year of his life guarding livestock from packs of wild coyotes, but now he sleeps on  carpeted floors and drinks cool filtered water out of a silver bowl (well sometimes he drinks out of the white porcelain water bowl in the bathroom).  The contrast of lifestyles are so different I find myself singing the theme song to the "Beverly Hillbillies" as I am writing.  I see Red Dog as the Jed Clampett of the dog world when it come to adapting to new surroundings.  Still a hillbilly at heart but wise enough to know that indoor plumbing is a much better deal.  So let me tell you how spoiled this guy has gotten lately.  
When Red Dog first got here he wanted to stay outside and run the neighborhood.  He was even chewing the wood pickets off of the backyard gate just so he could roam freely and check out his new town. I'm sure that after growing up on the ranch our little 3 acre placed seemed quite confining. The dog was so strong that once he chewed a hole big enough to fit his nose through he plowed the rest of his 85 pound body through the opening with the ease of an army tank destroying the gate one body width at a time. So I would jump in the pick up and go find where Red Dog was hanging out after each escape.  After a few days he finally figured out that he now lived at the all you can eat dog food house and never escaped from the backyard ever again.  I like a guy who makes decisions based on the available food supply.  
So after Red Dog decided that the groceries were plentiful and a temperature controlled environment suited him nicely, it was time for him to turn his attention to his other bodily needs.  Red Dog is a pretty sharp hombre, it didn't take him long to figure out that when he whines at the door he gets to go outside. Given the fact that he lives  year around with a temperature of 70 degrees in his home; he only goes outside when nature calls nowadays.  Red Dog is out then right back in.  This guy has turned into an Olympic speed pooper at this point.  Debbie is just hoping Red Dog never learns about indoor plumbing so he won't leave the bathroom in a mess.  I figure that's my job around here anyway so he better not get any ideas.  For the first few months each time he whined, we would rush to the door in hopes of preventing a major accident in the house (Debbie came across his first and only 3 car pile up in the dining room a few Sundays ago which caused her to miss church.  She had to transform herself into a one woman HazMat team for the clean up.  Glad I missed out on that one). For months we have had this system where Red Dog whines, I open the door, and he goes out.  I thought it was working pretty well.  I don't have to clean up a doggie disaster and nether one of us gets barked at by Debbie.  After a while I realized that not all of Red Dogs whining was a warning call of impending disaster.  
Lately Red Dog has started whining at three o'clock in the morning and waking me up.  It's like he's on some kind of a schedule.  He whines so I jump out of bed, dash for the back door praying I'm not too late and that I don't step into a early morning surprise.  After doing this jumping out of bed thing for several weeks this routine started feeling very familiar to me and during one of my earlier morning sprints it hit me why this was so.  
When we were first married Debbie was a bit of a night owl so I usually went to bed before she did.  The house rule was that the last one to bed turned out all of the lights which usually was her.  I would be half asleep when she finally got to bed.  There I would be snuggled down in those toasty covers just drifting off into dreamland when I would feel her climb into bed.  She would almost always forget to turn off a light or to turn on the ceiling fan after she got covered up.  So after a few moments of silence I would hear this sweet voice lovingly say "Honey, would you turn off the light" or "Honey, would you turn on the fan" and I would drag myself across the room to do what she asked.  I couldn't say no to the woman of my dreams (and for the record I always did it with a joyful heart and a smile on my face).  Well after several years of doing this I finally asked her one night while stumbling toward the light switch, why she couldn't do this once in a while and here was her answer. "Why should I when I have you trained to do it" then she giggled.  I said," WHA WHA WHA WHAT!!!"  That's all I could get out was a bunch of WHA WHA's.  I stood there in disbelief as she continued to giggle.  She took advantage of my loyal devotion and suckered (i.e. trained) me into being the permanent light switch operator.  I felt like the Andy Griffith character Will Stockdale in the old movie "No Time For Sergeants" when he was tricked into being the PLO (Permanent Latrine Officer) because no one else wanted to clean the bathrooms.  So I guess that made me the DPTM (Debbie's Permanently Trained Monkey) around our place.  Apparently Debbie is pretty good at training me because after thirty years I'm still doing it.  And the other night I realized that Red Dog, my most favorite dog ever, is using a similar tactic on me as well.  I found myself standing in the dark, in disbelief, and saying "WHA WHA WHAT" all over again.  Now I can be known as Red Dog's Trained Monkey around here also.  I think it's safe to say that Red Dog has made the transition to indoor living quite easily.  He has also proven that his owner isn't the sharpest pencil in the box as well.  I'm not sure what all Debbie and Red Dog are doing together while I am at work but I have a feeling she's been telling him light switch stories because this early morning door dash business feels exactly like the bed time shuffle my wife tricked me into doing years ago.  My new claim to fame will be that I'm the guy who can be easily trained by both woman and beast.  So if your dog needs some training tips I'm sure Red Dog or my wife will be willing to share so come on by but I won't come to your house to show off my skills.  Until the next adventure, God bless you all.