Saturday, February 2, 2013

Stuck In The Middle With You

When you were growing up did you ever get the blame for something you didn't do or get in trouble because of someone else?  I think we all have at one time or another and I remember an incident that happened during my senior year of high school in math class.  My good pal Devery, who was well known as the class cIown, was goofing off in the class when our teacher Mr. Laverty told everyone to get back to the lesson after allowing us a little cut up time.  Well my old pal Dev had apparently lost his capacity to understand English which did not sit well with Mr. Laverty.  Now don't get me wrong, Mr. Laverty was one of the coolest teachers at our school but when he said it was time to get to work he meant it.  This guy was about six foot four and in pretty good shape (especially for an old guy).  During Summer breaks he was a steer wrestler or bull dogger (as it was called back in my day) and he farmed and ranched all year long. So there wasn't any need for him to spend time at the gym.  He was as strong as an ox and could swing a paddle harder than anyone else in the free world.  Every student in the school was well aware of this fact including Devery but for some reason he just couldn't shut up this particular day.  As Dev kept on jabbering, I was in complete compliance with the teachers previous instructions and had my face deeply planted into the math lesson as did everyone else. We all knew the consequences for disobeying his orders.  Suddenly I heard Mr. Laverty tell Devery to go to the principals office and every one of us knew what that meant..Two Super Sonic licks from Mr. Laverty's paddle.  A hush fell over the classroom and that's when I had a lapse in judgement.  I looked up from my work to watch Devery walk out the door and that's when Mr. Laverty saw me rubber necking and said "Howard, you aren't doing anything so you go with him".  Those words still echo in the deep recesses of my brain and I'm nearly fifty three years old.  Well to make a long story a little shorter, we both got a valuable lesson in physics and thermal dynamics that day. (Note to the reader: When a wooden paddle travels at super sonic speeds it doesn't burst into flames until that sudden impact against your rear end).  I found out many years later from my dad that Mr. Laverty told him what had happened that day and that I wasn't doing anything wrong that fateful afternoon but he knew I had got away with a couple of stunts earlier in the school year without getting caught and thought it was a good time to "catch me up" as Mr. Laverty put it.  WHAT!!!  I was innocent (of course I knew that already) but still punished for a crime I never committed or at least never caught doing!  Where was Perry Mason or Ben Mattlock when a guy needs a lawyer?  I think both my dad and Mr. Laverty still laugh about this little life moment today or at least my dad does.          
I tell you this because my heart went out to ole Red Dog the other day as he had to take one for the team as well.  As I mentioned in my last post, we now have a new Rhodesian Ridge Back by the name of Rosie.  She is a two month old pooping/peeing machine.  More water comes out of this little girl than a rain bird sprinkler and the odorous little gifts she leaves laying around the place are just plain gross.  How can so much "stuff" come out of one little body? I guess that is a question parents and dog owners alike have asked many times over the years.  I'm sure you have figured out by now that the potty training isn't going so well with Ms. Rosie but my wife Debbie has been a trooper through this whole messy ordeal and is working hard to teach Rosie the proper way for a young lady to potty.  Just when we think things are getting a little better we stumble across more rain puddles and mud slides if you get my drift.  Debbie has tried just about everything to get this little girl's attention but wow it's been tough.  She even volunteers Red Dog to go outside with Rosie in hopes he will teach her proper potty protocol (PPP) but at this point everyone is getting a failing grade.  I came home the other day to Debbie working her tail off cleaning every floor in the house in hopes of ridding the place of Ms. Rosie's special scent.  She was exhausted by the end of the day but watching Rosie like a hawk in hopes of having a potty free night. This morning around 6:00 am all seemed to be well in Potty Land when Debbie got up to let Rosie and Red Dog outside to take care of their morning chores and calisthenics then she let them back inside an hour later.  This is usually plenty of chore time for Red Dog but apparently not for Rosie.  As I am getting ready for work I heard a groan from the living room as Debbie caught Rosie doing a little splish'in and a splash'in on the tile floor.  As Debbie was scolding Ms. Rosie and putting her back outside Red Dog was making his way back to his bed at warp speed in an attempt to avoid any friendly fire but to no avail.  I heard Debbie call to Red Dog "go outside" and keep Rosie company.  Poor Red Dog still can't catch a break with the new mutt around and as I walked past the back door on my way to work there sat poor Red Dog with this sad pitiful look on his face like "what have I done'?  "I ate all my breakfast, drank all my water and took care of my morning business outside just like I was supposed to and I get stuck out here on this cold damp ground paying for Ms. Rosie's mistake".  It was at that moment in the early morning light of this cool winter morning that I had one of those "I understand your pain" like moments for Red Dog.  Mine came at the end of a math teachers powerful right arm and Red Dog's came at the end of a little furry four legged water sprinkler named Rosie.   
So I guess it goes to show you that life can be unfair to both man and beast but I think the key to survival is to be sure not to hang out with people who can't stop joking around or peeing on the floor.  This may not be life altering advice but it could help you avoid people with a bladder problem and poor sense of direction.  I think I will file this life lesson right behind the one where you shouldn't chew your fingernails after cleaning fresh chicken eggs.  Until the next adventure, God bless you all.                          

No comments:

Post a Comment