Friday, June 22, 2012

Who Has The ASD

I really don't know how to safely tell this story without the end result being me living in the dog house.  But here I go.  Many people I know have a family tradition or heirlooms they pass down through the years as a way of remembering a family matriarch or to carry forward an important piece of family history.  Some families do it through handing down a wedding ring, hand made quilt, old shot gun, pocket watch, china hutch, eyeglasses or even the family Bible.  I know of one family who has a complete set of sterling silverware hand made by Paul Revere, yes the historic "The British Are Coming" Paul Revere, that is still being passed from generation to generation as a way of keeping alive the memory of their family members who helped defeat the British for the independence of our country.  Even my wife and I have a tradition of eating fast food tacos on our wedding anniversary for the past 30 years just because we were too broke the first 3 anniversaries to afford a nice meal.  We look at it as something fun we now love to tell people about and are happy we kept the tradition alive all of these years.  So as you can see traditions or legacies can be things of great monetary value such as sterling silver or as whimsical as cheap tacos.  For my wife's family, they have a special gift they have passed down for at least 2 generations that is for a lack of a better word "Amazing".  During our first Christmas as husband and wife Debbie and I were trying to figure out how to blend all of our family's Christmas celebrations into 3 short days.  So we did the only reasonable thing a young married couple could do, we drove roughly 500 round trip miles and made four different Christmas celebrations of both families finally ending up at my wife's grandmother's house.  While there I got the blessing of sleeping in the same small bedroom with my father in law and it was there that I was introduced to this wonderful family legacy.  I want everyone to understand that I love my father in law greatly but "OH MY GOODNESS" this man can snore the shingles off of your house.  I have never heard something that loud come out of a sleeping human being in all of my life.  He must get Christmas cards each year from the U.S Geological Survey with a snore that loud because it causes the ground to shake.  I am pretty sure that the largest earth quake ever recorded in the North Texas Panhandle had an epicenter right under his house.  You may want to Google that just to be sure.  I bet by now you are wondering how this is a family tradition?  Well after a few years of marriage I found out that my father in law has passed this amazing talent to my dear sweet wife.  Thus a legacy is born.  You now understand my concern about being in deep trouble if I tell this story.  Now that you know this much lets see how deep of a hole I can dig myself into.  Not that I am happy or bragging on my father in law but he did an outstanding job of passing down that snoring gene to his daughter.  I consider him the "Yoda" of the snoring world and you can call my wife "Luke" because the FORCE is without a doubt with her.  Now I bet you are wondering how Red Dog fits into this story.  Well, I'm not sure how Red Dog acquired the snoring gene but he has it loud and clear.  I work many late hours in our local hospital so it's not unusual for me to come home late at night  to the dynamic duo of Red Dog and Debbie sawing some very loud logs and I'm sure it sets off earthquake sensors all over North Texas.  Wow those two make quite a team but about ten months ago Debbie found the antidote to her "LITTLE" night time problem and now Red Dog is snoring solo.  The solution came in the form of a forty dollar blue rubber molded anti snoring mouth piece.  Lets just call it a ASD (anti snoring device) so I don't have to use the s-word and Debbie's name in the same sentence so I don't dig that hole too fast.  The ASD came from of all places QVC and it actually worked to my joyful surprise because QVC is nothing more than a non-stop Sham Wow like infomercial.  But after 30 years of midnight earth quakes,  I for whatever would work in order to get some sleep.  Now all I have to do to get a peaceful nights sleep is run Red Dog out of the bedroom.  
A few weeks ago Debbie called my clinic to ask me if I had seen her ASD that morning before leaving for work.  My heart sunk as I began to maticulously retraced my morning steps trying to remember if I had seen it but came up with a total blank.  She told me she had turned the house upside down looking for it without any success.  After a few minutes on the phone it hit me that Red Dog was lying in the floor on her side of the bed that morning and realized that I didn't hear Red Dog snore at all that night.  I told her to immediately pry his mouth open and see if he had a blue rubber smile.  Well no blue smile for Red Dog.  Debbie has continued to look everywhere for weeks and still no luck.  The weird thing is that Red Dog hasn't snored once since Debbie lost the ASD.  I don't think the inventor ever meant for it to be used by dogs but we may be on to something new here.  If the ASD can't fit around dog teeth maybe Red Dog chewed it up and it's now fitting somewhere near his south end. Hmmm?  And maybe what I thought was snoring from Red Dog all of this time was a south wind blowing out from under his tail.  The ASD could be working more like a muffler as "SOMETHING" escapes from the tail pipe?  This could be the beginning of a whole new line of pet products and I could name it the "Butt Muffler".  If nothing else it would make for an interesting pet commercial. lol.  But I'm guessing that Red Dog probably chewed up Debbie's ASD in the night and it's now resting somewhere in his colon.  I suggested she accompany Red Dog outside each day so she could recover the ASD but she passed on that idea and didn't see the humor in my statement.  With me being such a cheapskate, I may just have to escort ole Red Dog outside myself.  But if I do and you hear that I got Debbie a new ASD don't any of you tell her where I got it.  I am banking on you the reader to keep my secret.  
Before I leave you today I would like to introduce to you my new web address where I will be writing all future Texas Red Dog Adventures now that you know about the O'Neal family legacy.  Please go to (not really lol).  Until the next adventure, God bless you all.           

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