Thursday, April 26, 2012

Three Against One

I found out a while back that Red Dog still likes being outdoors as long as the temperature suits him.  It was one of those beautiful early spring days where the temperature is around 70 degrees, sun is shining bright, a slight breeze blowing and not a cloud in the sky.  A morning where you could stay out side all day without fear of sunburn, dehydration, or heat stroke.  "It was just right" to quote that Goldie Locks chick.  So my plan was to let Red Dog hang out in the back yard for most of the day.  He could lay around catching "rays" or chase my wife's cats to his hearts content.  You all know which one I wanted to see.  So the last thing I saw Red Dog doing was....well I better not say since my wife reads this blog but he was thoroughly enjoying himself.  Now the plans I had for myself was slightly different.  I grabbed a large glass of ice tea and headed to my chair for some deep sea fishing with Bill Dance on the big screen (no need to risk getting heat stroke on a blistering 70 degree morning).  So a pitcher of ice later Bill and I caught some of the biggest tarpon the Gulf had to offer but now I was tired.  Tarpon fishing is hard work.  So for medical reasons I decided to grab a little nap in order to rest my heart from the fishing excitement because one can never be too cautious with their health.  Trust me I know, I've studied medicine.  After my tarpon outing in the Gulf of Mexico, I woke up from my much needed nap to hunting bear in Alaska.  It was turning out to be quite the Saturday morning adventure and my internal meal alarm is telling me it's time to eat.  Remember only the best outdoorsmen can transition from fishing in Florida to hunting in Alaska in a two hour time period, so keeping up the calorie count is very important.  It's doubly important to keep up my strength now that I'm in Alaska bear country and you can't outrun a bear on an empty stomach.  Trust me I know, I've studied nutrition too.  So to the kitchen I went for a high octane meal.  As I passed by the back door doing the happy dance toward the fridge I look out into the yard to see white winter fluff all over the grass.  For a moment I thought I was witnessing a 70 degree Texas snow miracle so I rubbed my eyes to focus better.  I then realized it wasn't a snowstorm that hit the back yard while I slept.  It was Red Dog.  I walked outside to a white fluffy blanket covering the whole yard.  "What in the world went on out here", I thought "and what is this stuff (or stuffing to be more exact) lying on the ground?"  Well there was Red Dog lying on the ground stretched out on the grass tanning himself like a sun bather on the South Padre beach.  Not only was he working on his tan but he was fast asleep from exhaustion.  (And it wasn't from chasing the darn cats).  Apparently Red Dog was bored since there were no cats to chase, balls to catch, or bones to chew while I was tending to my health. But "CHEW" is the clue to the white disaster that hit our back yard.  Remember me telling you how I saw him chewing up his doggie bed in the last adventure. Apparently outdoor furniture cushions taste very similar to doggie beds so Red Dog  decided he would chew to death two of Debbie's furniture cushions.  There was fabric and fluffy stuff every where.  According to my calculations the manufacturer puts about approximately a football fields worth of stuffing in each individual seat cushion and Red Dog tore apart two of them easily.  Poor cushions.  They were heavy duty and designed to hold up under my big old "ButTox" as Forest would say.  It must have given Red Dog quite the workout chewing them apart because he never moved a muscle while I surveyed the yard.  I wonder if someone taught him my possum playing trick?  Hmm.  What a mess and with Debbie being gone guess who gets to clean it up..."ME"!!!  So here I go crawling across the yard on my hands and knees picking up from the Red Dog Blizzard of 2012.  The only thing worse than seeing the mess in the back yard was the site of my big old "ButTox" shining in the air as I crawled on the ground.  Just the site of it caused children to run home crying to their mommies and adults calling my hospital phone asking for medicine to stop the nausea.  One neighbor even asked if he could cover me with a white sheet and come back after dark to show movies off of it.  I kept on working in spite of scaring the neighborhood.  The whole time on the ground I'm thinking how happy I was to own the only "Red Dog Home Security System" on the block.  By now I had finished picking up and Red Dog woke up from his sun bathing slumber.  My loud groaning while crawling around must have interrupted his nap.  I was pretty tired especially given the fact I had given up physical labor many years ago and was ready to go back inside to make the lunch I abandoned earlier.  But Red Dog didn't see it that way.  He was refreshed and ready to play.  Since I was conveniently on my hands and knees looking like a giant goober he mistakenly assumed I was wanting to do the same.  Oh great.  Red Dog was jumping, slobbering, growling, and running in circles around me as to say "come on lets play, lets play".  That tree branch of a tail was waving in the air like a checkered flag at the Daytona 500 but I wasn't in the mood for any fun and games at this point. But Red Dog just kept on going like the Energizer Bunny.  So I got up off the ground (which was an ugly sight within itself) and went inside to rest leaving Red Dog outside to do what ever Red Dog does because I was "PLUM TARRED". 
I made lunch (obviously Red Dog needed none since he consumed two furniture cushions) and carried it back to my spot in front of the big screen.  I missed out on the Alaska bear hunt but quickly found myself in a ground blind ready to shoot mule deer in Montana.  Life was starting to get good again.  I had a bag of my favorite chips, meat sandwich, and a fresh glass of ice tea.  Bring on the big buck.  I ate lunch while finishing my deer hunt and my world was back in balance once again when suddenly I heard Mr. Sandman knocking at my door.  I drifted off for a well deserved Saturday after lunch nap and when I  woke up this time someone was trying to sell me a wall mounted talking fish on the T.V.  For a few seconds I thought Mothers Day is right around the corner and I do need to get something for my lovely wife but that thought left as quickly as it came.  I figured she's already purchased such a fine piece of decor and wouldn't have the wall space to display another..he he he.  So after shaking the cobwebs out of my head...Again...I was carrying what was left over from lunch back to the kitchen (which included an empty plate, empty glass, and empty chip bag) and I looked out the back door...Again...I could not believe my eyes.  Remember earlier he chewed up "TWO" cushions, well I forgot to mention there was a set of "THREE" cushions and Red Dog had decided not to leave any survivors.  In my haste to get back to a day of fishing and hunting, I forgot about the third cushion and left it sitting in the chair apparently with "eat me Red Dog" written on it.  At this point I felt bad for Red Dog, I could have at least offered him a glass of ice tea to wash down this tasty treat.  That material has to be a little dry tasting (I'm shooting for sarcasm here).  The only good thing was that the ground wasn't quit as white as before because Red Dog had not completely dismembered the third victim.  So here I go again on my hands and knees in the middle of the back yard looking like one of the action pieces from the board game "Angry Hippo" picking up stuffing over and over...AGAIN...And there sits Red Dog wagging his tail thinking I'm ready to play...AGAIN... At this point I'm just thanking God there were no camera's to capture me on all fours crawling through grass.  It didn't take long for me to cool off and all Red Dog wanted to do was hang at my side.  He would look up at me as if to say "I Dun Good" with that tree branch of a tail still wagging away.  I couldn't help but wonder what was going on in Red Dogs mind when he was chewing up those three cushions.  Did he think he was protecting an African family from angry lions lurking in the shadows ready to do them harm or was he on the hunt tracking down a pride of lions that had been killing and eating livestock the tribe depended on for food and money?  Either way it must have been quite the adventure but it sure put a lousy dent in what had started out to be a pretty nice Saturday for me.  Now, each time I go sit on the lawn furniture and my "ButTox" has no cushion to land on I think about how hard Red Dog must have worked to kill those three unwelcome intruders in such a short period of time and laugh.  I think in his mind, he faced off with three blood thirsty killers and came out victorious.  Red Dog had a three for three Saturday and those are good stats in anyone's books.  So I guess when your pedigree goes back to a long line of lion hunters and you live in Texas where lions hunting is non existent, a dog just has to use his imagination and make do with what he's got; stuffed or otherwise.  Until the next adventure, God bless you all.             

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